11 months

Darling Rhetty,

11-months old today!!  Wow...

Despite sickness and saying goodbye to family, etc., I had to sneak in a quick update of our son.

The past month, I've really noticed the "boy" coming out in him.

He loves loud noises (and to create them!).
He enjoys rough-housing.
He is just "rougher" in the way he accomplishes things.

He discovered airplanes and LOOOOVES them.

He is still a sweetie pie and makes all of our lives that much brighter.

He is close to walking... taking little steps here and there.

His 7th tooth just broke the gums...

... and that's about all I can muster before one of my children demands my attention!

Thanks for checking in!!

in response

I loved reading all your thoughts in the comment section of my last post.  They inspired me to write a tad more, and the reasoning behind all this "ranting."

I have led a pretty good life.  I grew up in a safe, loving, God-centered home with four brothers and sisters.  My parents are still happily married after [nearly] 33 years.  I have deep, good relationships with all my siblings.  I went to college, loved my time, and got married afterwards.  I've experienced no abnormal-timing of death or disaster.

Still, life is perfect for no one.  Even though I would not classify myself as someone with the authority on which to speak about tragedy, two experiences come to mind in which I've grieved.  And the grief has been real.  These are: Bella's cleft issues and deployments/life in the military.

When we found out about Bella's cleft lip, we were stunned.  I wept for an entire day, and then some.  We were unprepared for this "change of events."  We questioned if we ourselves were to blame?  We feared, we battled anxiety, we grieved.

On the heels of Bella's birth, and amidst her first four surgeries, we dealt with three deployments.  Again, we were unprepared.  We grew apart.  We struggled to make it through.  We battled with feelings of being left behind [me], feelings of being a single man again [Trav], sin of bitterness, and a myriad of other unspoken battles.  We grieved, or we tried to as best we knew how.

The hardest part... and I'm saying that having gone through it for a few years now... the hardest part was having people throw well-meaning, trite phrases our way.  And standing there and taking them in stride with a smile on my face.  Phrases like:

"She'll be fine!  Be glad it's a 'fixable' thing.  It's amazing what surgeries can be done nowadays."

"Only 3 months?  Oh, that'll be over before you know it!"

"No one will even notice her lip!  She's a bright little thing... you're lucky it's nothing more!"

"He's in Qatar?  Well, be thankful he's somewhere 'safe' and not on the ground fighting!"

"So glad she can have surgery!  Do you know how many children all over the world can't have that done??"

"Deployed?  My husband goes on business trips all the time.  You'll be okay!"

"It's amazing what can be done these days!  Be glad she's little so she won't even remember it!"

ALL.THE.TIME.

And I get it.  Everyone is well meaning.  Everyone thinks that they're the first to offer that point of view (the positive one).  But nothing can make you feel more alone than being unable to grieve.  Heaven forbid I cry or have a downcast spirit... people don't want to hear it!!

Out of all the thousands of comments about our dear Bella, there were two that I will remember forever.  To be fair, so many of you, my dear readers, were so so kind.  Offered words of sadness and love.  And many friends in real life did as well.  But, two I will always remember.  My dad's and my friend, Becky's responses.  Both were separate times and in both cases, they wept with me.  Nothing more than simply hugging me and weeping.  They felt my grief and entered into it with me.

A precious book I'm reading now (A Loving Life, by Paul Miller) speaks on this very thing:

"...grief and anger unsettle us and open doors to unbelief in our own lives.  We'd rather quiet [people] with good theology.  We think we're comforting [them], but maybe we're trying to keep our own demons in place" (29).

He speaks on how we've lost the fine art of lamenting in our Greek-stoicized culture.  "A lament grieves that the world is unbalanced.  It grieves at the gap between reality and God's promise.  It believes in a God who is there, who can act in time and space.  ...  A lament is a prayer, a plea for help" (31).

Friends, let's let people grieve.  Let's hold them, weep with them, not belittle their sufferings.  Be assured, if you're aiming in pumping them up with positivity, they've already tried those same words and tactics in their own minds 1,000 times over.  What they need is not a mini-sermon, but someone to say yes, this sucks.  And I love you.  And I'm sorry you're hurting.

Whether it's a 3-year old who just had a 2-hour tantrum and the mother is a wreck.  Or whether it's a husband who's deployed.  Or whether someone's baby just died at 23-weeks gestation.  Or whether infertility is overtaking a friend's life.  Let them grieve.  Better yet, let's learn to grieve alongside.

to a military spouse

What follows is a typical, common conversation that I have with many non-military people.

Person: So how long is he going to be gone for?

Me: About 5 more months.

Person: Oh, that's not too bad!  It'll go by fast...

Me: *crickets*

Person: You guys can skype and email and stuff, right?

Me: Yeeeessss... (not really wanting to go into the gory detail of what it looks like trying to gather 4 people into a small phone screen, while one of them is desperately trying to push the "red" (i.e. hang up) button, and the other two are jumping on my back.  Meanwhile, the "amazing" internet connection has gone out 7 times and I've had to repeat the sentence "We're good, nothing's new," about fourteen times.)

Person: You're really lucky that you get to see each other and talk on the phone.  People back, just 20 years ago had to stick to handwritten letters!  You've really got it good these days.

Me: Yep.

And yes, I understand that we're blessed to be able to skype.  I get the fact that email is awesome and we don't have to wait weeks to read the handwritten note (or, we do, but we get emails in between said letters).  I get it.  

But allow me to draw a similar conversation up, with similar remarks... 

Person: UGH!!!  I've had a terrible week.  My kid got sick, and I've had to do 14,000 loads of laundry in the past 3 days.  I haven't been out of the house all week and, as you can see, I haven't showered in 4 days.  This sucks.

Me: Ya, well, don't get too down.

Person: What?  Did you just hear what I said???

Me: Well, I mean, you didn't have to wash all the laundry BY HAND, did you?  You have a WASHING MACHINE, right?  And your kid, he doesn't have malaria or scarlet fever or pertussis, right?  He got some antibiotics and is doing fine now, right?  And showered??  Don't even get me started!  Just 100ish years ago, people bathed in water heated from the stove in baths once a week.  You've got it good, sister!!  You're truly blessed.

Person: *crickets*

Obviously, this convo would never happen.  

Listen, folks.  We're all blessed to be living now rather than "back then," with the modern conveniences (although, Heaven knows I'm one Laura Ingalls Wilder/Anne of Green Gables romanticizer) that are available to us.  

If this emphasizes anything, it's that we as a society simply cannot stand awkward/uncomfortable situations of people in pain or grieving.  We feel the need to slap a "It's OK!!" bandaid on it and some trite "encouraging" word.  I'm resolving to change that.

I.M.H.O.

In My Humble Opinion...

(how well do you know your internet acronyms??)

I've had some questions over the years on how we do family worship (devotions, Bible time, etc).  While I think it looks different in every family and there is certainly not any "right" way to do it, I believe it's so important to gather as a family and worship the Lord together.  It brings a "way-far-out-there-God" into our personal lives and also allows us to share our hearts with our children... to let them see our brokenness and need for a Savior, and also our love-affair with our Heavenly Father.

When Travis is here, he tries to get some time with the children in the Word, but more often than not, he's simply not present for a formal time of family worship.  Which means, that time is usually left for me.  It's not ideal and not even really how we would desire it (we really would love for Travis to lead this time), but it's our lot in life... so we work with it.

Simply because I always am looking for fresh new ideas, especially good books, for time with my children, I thought I'd share our routine and the books we use.  

FAMILY WORSHIP UTENSILS:

++ We begin off our time by gathering on the couch.  When the children were younger,

it was simply a 5-10 minute period, teaching them to sit still beside me and listen.

Now that they've learned that, we open to our memory passage and review the verses.

Right now, we're memorizing Proverbs 2.  

We take one verse a week, and go over it day by day.

I usually make up some sort of hand motions or voice inflections to make it stick,

and the girls are always surpassing me in their ability to memorize.

++ We then read from either the Bible, or a children's Bible.

These are the two we enjoy:

The Jesus Storybook Bible

Classic Bible Storybook

While I think both are excellent, I found it nice to have a variation

(especially after you've read through both multiple times).

++ My kids like to read. A LOT.  So, when the Bible stories are short,

or they simply want more, we love to supplement with the "Miller" books:

My parents read these to us while in our younger years. 

The stories are about a Mennonite family who uses experience and story

to help their four children grow in wisdom, prudence, etc.

Storytime with the Millers is a perfect one for younger children (2-5 years). 

We also have Wisdom with the Millers.  The girls have nearly out-read these

so I think we should be buying the others soon.

++ We end the time with song-singing and prayers.

I copied my sister's idea of choosing a new hymn every month,

alphabetically ("A" hymn for January, "B" for Feb, etc),

so right now, we're on "D", since we began in December.

Again, it's amazing how quickly things are engrained in the children's

minds and hearts by simply repeating daily.

And that's that!  Do you have any good book reviews or ideas that you implement??

treasure

The more time I spend with my children, I realize that what I treasure, they treasure.

We hear that all the time.  Our children do as we do.  They're watching.  But, really, the older they get, the harder it becomes to separate our lives from theirs.  I mean, when they're little, you put them down for two naps and an early bedtime.  During those times, you sneak chocolate, you watch movies, you sew, you talk on the phone, etc.  Then, they grow.  You can't spell in front of them anymore, you certainly can't sneak chocolate, and movies??  There's so little time to yourself, who wants to waste it on a movie??

I spend a lot of my free time on my computer.  Emailing, blogging, editing photos, etc.  And so, I notice my girls begging to play with the buttons on my computer.  Wanting to do things on my phone.  Watch a tv show.  I initially get bugged.  "No.  Go outside.  Use your imagination!  Read, paint, color!"

The Lord has been slowly revealing to me that what I treasure, they also will treasure.  If I'm outside, they'll be outside.  If I love reading, they'll love reading.  If I love my computer, they'll love their computers (one day).

Instead of directing Bella to paint alone today during quiet time, I sat with her.  I tried my hand at creativity and she loved it.  She watched me... and then mirrored me.  Kids are so complementary like that.  It only instills in me a greater desire to be great for them.  To point them to the One Thing that lasts and matters.

I love our family monograms.  

what they hear

Just some snippets from our days:

We were in line at Target, and the girls spied the cover of the latest Sports Illustrated magazine.  You know the one (don't worry, I won't post the picture here): with the three girls' backsides on full display, all of them coyly looking over their shoulders at you.  My girls were AP.PALLED.

"Mama!!" Bella urgently whispered.  "Those girls are showing their... you know... bums!!!"
Summer was hysterical.  "Mama!!!  Their bums are showing!!  I can't believe it!!  They should wear some pants!"
"And Mama..." Bella's face was urgent and grimacing, "I just noticed... they also aren't wearing any booby-bras [their word for bras... they just made it up].  I just can't believe it."

"I know girls, just don't... uh, don't look at them.  Yes, they're being immodest.  I'm not sure why they're not wearing clothes.  It's crazy, huh?"

So... I continue to check out and am paying my bill, when I hear Summer yell at me, "Mama!!  That BOY IS LOOKING AT THE GIRLS' BUMS!!!!"

Turning around, both girls are staring agape at a 30-something man who had innocently [or not so innocently] picked up the magazine and was flipping through it.

He freezes.  Looks at the girls, who are still stuttering over his gazing at the girls' bums and belly buttons.  We make eye-contact... and he quickly puts the magazine away.

Yep.  And thus ended my trip to Target.

+++++++

We had mac-n-cheese for dinner tonight.  With grapes.  High rollin', I'm telling ya!  The girls were all "mmm-ing" and "this is the BEST dinner, EVER, Mama!!"  Then, Bella looks down and grows quiet.  "Mama?  I'm loving mac-n-cheese soooo much.  Mac-n-cheese is my life!!  In fact, I've eaten so much, I think I feel it fillin' up my boobies."

+++++++

Summer's been having lots of trouble being 3 years old.  It's tough.  It's tough listening to instructions.  It's tough obeying with a joyful spirit.  It's tough controlling anger [and there's a lot of anger].  Sooo... while I have no idea how to parent three drastically different children, I do know how to pray.  And I know the One who changes hearts.  

This morning, we read Proverbs 12 together - Bella, Summer and me.  I tried my best to explain verse one with them:

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,

be he who hates reproof is stupid.

It made a big impact, because in this household, we're not supposed to say "stupid."  Anyways, we chatted about how we really desire to be wise women... girls who use our brains and hearts to do the right things, even when they're hard.  And sometimes, we have to be corrected or told to do things, and instead of kicking our feet and crossing our arms in a huff, we can just say, "Ya, I can try to do it better!" 

Fast forward to tonight, I was making dinner and noticed Summy doing her potty dance.  She wanted to help me stir, but I told her to go potty first (this sort of instruction would usually be met with some grumpy face and sour expression).  Instead, she dropped her toys and said, "Okay, Mama!"  

I.about.fell.over.  "Summer!!!  Very good!!!  That makes my heart so happy to hear you obey with a joyful heart!!"

"Ya!" she shouted as she skipped to the bathroom.  Then she halted in her steps, turned around and said, her face aglow, "Mama!  I'm not being stupid!!  I'm being a wise girl!!"

Just about burst my heart in two.  So thankful for little (BIG) moments like these.

nine

Yesterday, our little buddy turned nine-months old!!

I could say a bunch of things like, how fast it's going! or what a joy he is! or how big he's growing... but you already know that.

Instead, I'll share how...

- teeth numbers 3 & 4 are poking through on top
- he has this sweet little curl that fans from the nape of his neck... a third curly-haired child, perhaps?
- he absolutely giggles with delight every time I pick him up in the morning or after naps

and...

- how he's pulling up on everything and walking around furniture
- wants to be just like Bella and Summer... demanding the same of each thing they have
- how we're learning the word, "No..." and it's always hard to obey... :-(
- rice and beans are his favorite foods

and...

- how he says Dadada all the live-long day, but only Mamamama when he's crying
- how he loves to ruin Bella and Summer's toys or doll houses
- shutting and opening doors is his favorite activity

We love this little Rhetty-Boy.  O, so much.

------------
And just for fun, here are Bella's and Summer's 9-month updates.  And yes, Rhett has more hair than both my girls did... of course.  :-)